I’ve been reviewing my posts, because I moved this blog over from Blogger to WordPress in order to be part of a community… and that requires categories and tags.

That helped me read what I’ve written before… and I’m shocked at how much is unrecorded. Every time I changed my eating habits in one direction or another, I’ve become sick. That hit me – THAT is why I feel like I have to go all or nothing. And stay there. I cannot afford to get strep throat every time I stop or start eating well. *sigh*
It’s also been good for me to review how good I felt, what was so positive about eating right, and so forth. I now weigh 282 pounds – which is more than I weighed a year and a half ago. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. My gall bladder is starting to have wee twinges, which is a warning sign. My thighs are rubbing again. My left knee and right ankle are acting up a bit. I look HUGE in the mirror and in pictures. I’m tired all the time. I’m feeling depressed. But I can’t seem to be arsed to make the necessary changes again.

And I don’t know why. I’m frustrated by this. I’m trying to tell myself the good news is that I’m not driving much (a couple of times a week), I’m walking everywhere daily, and I’m swimming most days. At least I’m physically active. But I’m still feeling very, very discouraged.

It’s one year and two months after my last post… and I’m officially a statistic – one of those failed “dieters” who put all the weight back on plus some. *sigh* I gotta go back to raw, vegan food. :-/

Around the time of my last post, I became stressed out because it was the end of the school year (I’m a teacher) and things were going on. I also figured since I’d done so well, I could ease up a wee bit. I eased up a bit too much, but it was okay until I went on a business trip the last two weeks of June. I was on a college campus, eating in the cafeteria daily without kitchen access nor much in the way of healthful food. I was mostly good for the first week then it went downhill. Once I got home, my choices were so-so through the summer. Last fall things really went downhill. I went back to work and I gave up little by little. I slowly put weight back on, until by the spring, I was where I was before this whole thing started.

The good things: My tastes have changed to include a wider range of healthy foods. I don’t mind olives and peppers, where before I used to hate them. I’m also much more willing to have spicy foods. I’ve seen what an incredible difference eating right makes. I’ve learned sugar is toxic for me and my body isn’t fond of cheese. I’m much fussier about the food I’m having – no transfats, high-fructose corn syrup, and nothing from Safeway. I shop exclusively at Trader Joe’s, the farmer’s market and local markets, which is a huge difference. I’m not in the same pain I was in a year and a half ago, even though some things have started to come back.

The bad: I am having so so so much trouble going back to eating right. I went on another business trip the last 2 weeks of June, but this time I had kitchen access. I managed to have green smoothies and nut milk smoothies until lunch, when I scarfed on grilled cheese sandwiches. Since I got home, I’ve been walking a few miles daily and/or swimming. When I was away, I worked my way up to over 30 minutes of swimming laps, including a few laps of the butterfly stroke. My endurance has improved so much. But I just can’t seem to get back to eating better. I just want sugar, salami, cheese, pickled relish, hot dogs, and other stuff like that.

I’m very frustrated with myself. After swimming this morning, I had an epiphany: I’m thinking of eating right as an either/or issue. My mind is saying, “All or nothing,” and that may be causing me problems. However, I was much more successful when I was saying no. I didn’t even miss processed food… at least I thought I didn’t.

I’m just so frustrated. I mean, it’s one thing to not want to do it when you haven’t experienced the difference. But I have. My energy level was through the roof, I was losing weight easily, my skin was amazing, I felt so clean through and through, and I was eating delicious stuff. So why is it so hard to go back? *sigh*

For the moment, I’m focusing on exercise and keeping that up… while trying to figure out why I’m so resistant to changing other things in my life when I know what I need to do.

All of the below are based on eating 80% or more raw food daily.
1. I feel cleaner inside and out (teeth are cleaner, etc.)
2. I don’t have to scrub pots, pans, or dishes when I eat raw.
3. I don’t need to use deodorant.
4. I feel so much lighter and more satisfied after eating.
5. I don’t have the sugar highs and lows when I don’t have sugar.
Seriously. I get mild headaches, a sugar buzz, and a major energy crash
when I have sugar now.
6. I have so much more energy.
7. The food is delicious.
8. I love the smugness. *devilish grin*
9. I’m proud of myself for not putting crap in my body.
10. It makes perfect sense – the food I’m eating is what humans ate 50,
100, 250, 1000 years ago (though prepared and combined differently).
It’s what we were designed to eat, period.

I don’t think I’ll ever go 100% raw, but after struggling a lot with
milk chocolate-covered peanuts over the last 2-3 weeks and after being
more flexible about what I’m eating in general for the past month, wow,
I see the difference. I need to go back to no sugar and 80% or more raw.
I’ve been better the last few days and I haven’t bought those damn
peanuts since Wednesday or Thursday. *pat, pat* I’ve also been
exercising daily since last Monday, except for Thursday. I’ll also miss
tonight due to a board meeting, but I’m proud of myself. I was on a
backslide and gained 5 or 7 pounds over the past month (steady 235 now)
but I’ve made an authorized YOU-turn and am back on track (except for
80% raw – it’s more like 55-65%, but better).

Oh, one more thing – Dee saw me yesterday and said, “You’ve lost weight.
You’ve lost a lot of weight!” I nodded and she said how good I looked. I
shared how I was so sick and had had enough, and weight loss wasn’t my
goal. She shared how her son is trying to lose weight, charting his
progress and everything. He decided to eliminate one thing at a time,
starting with Starbucks and is now not having his nightly huge bowl of
ice cream. He had one huge bowl recently and got sick, wow. She’s
thinking about joining him. At the end, she said, “I’m rooting for you!”
That was very sweet and I appreciate it! But I’m concerned, frankly. I
don’t want her thinking I’m trying to lose weight. That’s not the point
of this to me. But it was a validating conversation. *smile*

That reminds me – I hate sugar. It is so addicting. I had this
compulsion to keep getting and eating those damn chocolate-covered
peanuts. I’d eat a full package and feel sick, but do it again and
again. My energy was quite low all that time, I felt bloated and
slightly queasy, but I couldn’t stop. The need was so damn strong. I
finally said enough and decided to try to go one week without sugar last
Friday. I failed right away at Members Appreciation Day at the de Young
on Saturday. I had 4 cookies with my tea. They were yummy, but I got
high, a slight headache, and a sugar crash immediately. That hit me
hard. I had one cookie as a Trader Joes sample yesterday. Very, very
delicious, but again, buzz, headache, crash. That did it for me. I’m
still craving sugar, to be honest, and I had a very, very hard time not
getting the peanuts, but I don’t like what sugar does to me. I don’t
want to feel like that anymore. Yuck. I made a I am Bliss chocolate
hazelnut pie from Cafe G on Sunday to help me through this period. Jason
loved the slice I gave him. Today was Teacher Appreciation, and I didn’t
have the apple pie a la mode. *beam* I had a chocolate Larabar instead
(which I brought with me). Good for me! But fuck, I gotta do this again.
Ah, well. Better now than later.

I knew I’d slip up, and now I have. I will again, and that’s ok. But for
now, I’m doing much better. *smile*

Wow. The theme over the past 2 weeks seems to have been sugar, sugar, sugar. I’ve mostly been unable to stop myself from eating Trader Joe’s milk chocolate-covered peanuts, sometimes to the tune of one box a day. I’ve also had 3 cookies in one day twice (Sunday and Monday) as well as 3 slices of cake today.

I’m amazed at this sudden need for sugar, but it’s a really strong craving. It’s like I need it. I don’t even really want the taste that much, but it’s a real need. I feel like crap when I have sugar. Today after my first slice of cake, I felt woozy and I swear to you I felt this high – not euphoria, but like I was drugged.

I’ve decided I can’t stand this and I need to get away from sugar again. I don’t like what it’s doing to my body, to my state of mind, and to my palate. I am finished with sugar after today’s last sugar low.

In other munchy news… I hadn’t changed what I was eating for the most part over the past two weeks… until Sunday. On Sunday was the agency BBQ and I had 2 hot dogs, one veggie burger, and 3 cookies. Yesterday was a work appreciation BBQ, so I had 2 hot dogs and 3 cookies. I felt so much heavier and I could feel a huge difference in how my body was digesting the food. I’m convinced – a lot of raw food really is the way to go, even if you don’t go completely raw. It feels so much better, lighter, and cleaner inside and out. I’m sold. Time to go back to raw food.

One interesting thing happened – Beth and I planned to go out to eat on Friday before Happy Hour. I made it clear I was open to options and suggested a pizza place… but nope. Beth wanted Cafe G!!! So we did that instead with Katy and Veronica. Beth started talking about raw food a bit, explaining the basics, and telling them how much better she feels after she eats there. I was really surprised. Wow. She’s not a convert, no way, but she has been talking about becoming much more aware of what she eats and of how good she feels every time she goes to Cafe G. Amazing – living by example is really powerful.

Weight loss news – I put on 5 pounds. But I got a boost tonight at Stacy and Tim’s baby-gender-announcement party. Soon after I got there, mah said she noticed I’d lost some weight, so I told her a bit about how it all started and what I’m doing. As I did that, I noticed Roberta on my left telling someone that I’d never met that I’d lost a lot of weight (I missed what else she said, but I think it was about changing my food) and Stacy on my right emphatically nodding with one other person (not sure who) nodding too. Later in the evening, Stefanie asked me if I’d lost weight and she said she really noticed it in my face, shoulder, and chest above the bust. Wow. So It’s still noticeable. *beam*

I need to go back to rawing it… not necessarily to lose weight, but to feel better. I also need to exercise (which I haven’t really been doing) to maintain energy levels and to tone up. I’m flabby and I really hate it. My arms are embarrassing to me now and with summer coming, ixnay. Serious arm toning is needed. *nod* Back to rawing it and some exercise is needed.

Snapea crisps, milk choc covered peanuts
Sat – Gillian tons of questions
how sick I got after Kurt’s ganache and ice cream

*blink* What an Easter! Every year I buy up tons of Hershey’s Solid Milk Chocolate Eggs, because I love ‘em and I think they are the BEST chocolate Hershey makes. Not this year. I bought one bag just in case, but it’s unopened and I’m not even sure where it is. I had no Easter candy of any kind (no Valentine’s either back in February, actually) this year.

Easter was the most un-sugary Easter ever. Syl cooked some ham, set out white bread and condiments, and let us do the rest of Easter dinner. It’s usually more of a team effort, but not this year. I’m not quite sure how that happened. I was actually kinda worried that Syl thought she can’t cook for us anymore because we won’t eat “real food,” but she assured us that’s not the case. Anyway, we provided the salad with regular balsamic viniagrette dressing, my homemade bruschetta, maple cinnamon and chocolate versions of buckwheat cereal, and dessert was fruit with nonfat, nonsugar homemade chocolate sauce and an almond butter chocolate pie (completely raw). The bruschetta and cereal were major hits, while the pie was hit-and-miss. Some liked it, some weren’t so crazy about it. Jeannette raved about the food all day. Carlene kept asking us questions about what we’re eating, how we’re deciding, yada, yada, and it is so unlike Carlene to take an interest in anything! We were both determined not to preach or to talk about it, but we kept answering questions, trying to be clear without going overboard or sounding preachy. People kept saying we looked fantastic, glowing with health. *preen*

All in all, I felt it was a good Easter, but I was amazed at how sugar-free it was, yet how satisfying it was.

Just recorded this recipe – it’s what I’m having for dindin.

This isn’t raw, but mmmmm!
Layer the following from bottom to top:
Whole wheat pasta (I used the corkscrew style)
Black olives, drained and mixed in
Organic sugarless tomato n basil marinara stirred in
(The above was warmed)
Feta cheese on top
Top with LOTS of:
Sprouts of your choice or microgreens
Lettuce mix
Homemade bruschetta (not *that* much)
(Salad/greens should consist of the majority of this dish)

Dig in and enjoy. It is TO DIE FOR!

Went to the gabfest last night at the usual spot. I’m a huge fan of their California burger, which is a 1/2 pound beef patty topped with avocado, bacon, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes. It was very, very yummy, but it was too much for me. I had most of the fries too. The ketchup was really too strong for me – next time, a lot less! Next time I’ll eat only half (maybe just a quarter) and bring the rest home. I ate 100% raw all day yesterday to prepare and stock up on those enzymes. Glad I did! After the burger, which I took my time eating, I felt bloated and uncomfortably full. No upset stomach pr anything else bad other than feeling uncomfortable. Whew – I can still have that kinda food, but a lot less of it at a time would be adviseable. I finished it at 7 pm and I wasn’t hungry until 11. Am gonna go all raw today too to help cleanse.

I’m going to Cafe G for what appears to be a monthly gathering – whee. After I get home, I’m gonna do a whirlwind of cooking to prep raw foods, mostly desserts, for the family Easter gathering.

Today I had taco salad for lunch (no cheese but tons of greens), and I was so incredibly sleepy all afternoon. I hadn’t felt that way after lunch for months. Hm – no more taco meat during the day for me.

Life’s good. Friday found me with JK and Beth headed to Cafe G then to Happy Hour. JK walks quickly and I’ve had to struggle to keep up with him in the past. Today I walked faster than he did and I hadda slow down.

Beth talked about how much lighter she felt after eating the food there, and JK agreed – he said he felt it was refreshing. He also said he wouldn’t mind cooking like this all summer – good summer food. She asked some questions about Sina and Jerry, and I filled her in about how Sina went 100% raw for 9 months then fell off the wagon. Beth planned to start her diet the next day, and it was really hard for me not to jump in with all kinds of tips and advice. I managed to just offer recipes if she was interested, she could get in touch. She nodded with a smile. I did manage to get in one tip when we were talking about Sina and Jerry – “I believe if you, anyone, decides this is 100% the way I’m doing it, they’re gonna fail. I’m not gonna go 100% anything. This forms the basis of my food, but I’m still eating a lot of other stuff. 100% anything is too restrictive for a lifetime change.” *grin* It’s so true. I’ve decided I’m going to eat whatever the hell I want if I really want it. I’ll have a hot dog. I’ll have a burger. I’ll have full-fat dairy ice cream. I’ll have See’s. But what I’m finding is that I don’t want those things *enough* for the most part. But when I do, I have a bit and enjoy. That’s the key to making this work for me, and for a lot of people, I suspect.

JK bought the Cafe G recipe book, and yesterday he got in touch with me via AIM to say he’d been doing some research, bought some ingredients for the Thai salad recipe, but couldn’t find agave nectar or Nama Shoyu. Pointed him in the right direction. He did, however, emphasize that he was *not* going raw, just expanding his repertoire. *chuckle* I didn’t, and don’t, expect anybody to go raw.

I caught Beth saying, when she thought I was out of earshot, “The food’s good, but not for me, no way.” I wasn’t in a position to overhear JK’s response, so I have no idea what he said back. I’m sorry she felt she couldn’t tell *me* that. I have no problem with her feeling that way. I used to feel that way and I think 95%, if not more, of Americans, feel that way. I thought Sina was NUTS, I really did. I kinda thought, well, that *is* healthier than a lot of people, but still. Dat’s going too far. So I understand completely. If you’d told me last Christmas I’d be eating a mostly raw diet by April 1, 2007, I would have died laughing. Again, I get it. I really do understand that “she’s whack” perspective.

So what made this happen for me? For Mom, it was a lot of small, gradual changes. For me, it was desperation brought on by being afraid to eat. But the biggie was the detox. I was able to tell myself “just 3 weeks then I can eat whatever I want.” That helped so much, because dieting really brings on this deprivation mentality – “forever,” ya know. “just 3 weeks” helped BOTH of us get through it. And by 3 weeks without sugar, dairy, wheat, most meats, some fruits, and a lot of other things, we’d re-programmed our taste buds and bodies in many ways. The process wasn’t done, but it’d started and progressed enough for us to be somewhat into it. It also helped us to identify what we missed the most. For me, bread was a big thing. I added it back right away, and for Mom, it was sugar. A few weeks later, I made her a deal – go one week without sugar and I’d keep her in fruit shakes and raw desserts. It was agonizing for her, but it paid off. She still wants sugar but raw desserts satisfy her sweet tooth and she’s able to shrug off sugar more easily. As I put it the first week off detox, “We detoxed and I’m in no hurry to retox.” I’m finding I enjoy the flexibility of being able to sample a fancy gourmet fruity brownie when it’s offered to me and of deciding I simply don’t want 98% of the sugar that’s offered to me, but my body and taste buds are more interested in fruits, vegetables, nuts, a variety of grains, and a bit of other flavors than in anything else. I would recommend the 3 week detox to anybody, with a few caveats – be willing to be adventurous in your eating and try different things. Find a good raw restaurant nearby before starting, and be prepared for it to be very hard the first week or two. The detox makes a world of difference.

Back to last Friday – Beth said, out of Jason’s earshot, “From the back you really look smaller. Have you lost a lot of weight?” I nodded with a smile, saying, “Yeah.” She said, “Good for you!” I said, “It’s so weird to me, cuz it really was not my plan,” and went on very briefly to tell her about how I was so shocked when I got on a scale, took a few days to adjust, and then decided upon a goal, only to find myself eating things that weren’t good for me for 3 days, and how I said, “this is ridiculous – no more goal,” and went back to eating well. She said, “Maybe I should do that – just forget about losing weight.” I nodded in a s ort of supportive, “mmm.” way. I also told her about the “Make an authorized YOU-turn” from YOU on a Diet, by Michael Roizen and Mehmet Oz. I told her about how I’d found myself snacking on milk chocolate peanuts the night before, allowed myself to enjoy that, shrugged, and moved on by having a fruit shake. (She’s the kind of person who decides she’s failed once she goes off even once, I think, so I figured it’d be good for her to hear that.) I basically shut up after that but thought those two things might be good. Nobody wants to hear someone else preach, ya know.

Beth also commented during dinner on how everyone who works there has fabulous skin, and Jason said maybe they did something to their skin. Beth said, “No, it’s the FOOD. Look at Jenny’s skin. It looks great.” Jason did look at me and say, “Yeah, I noticed that.” First comment he’s made beyond “You look good.” I agree – raw foodists have fabulous eyes and skin.

We talked about a LOT more than just food and *moi*, but cuz of the nature of this blog, that’s the focus of what I’m posting here. *grin* It was a really fun, relaxing, mellow evening. I’m glad we went.

For the past 5 or so days, I’ve been swimming for 30 minutes most days – vigorous, aerobic swimming with 1, usually 2, intervals as well as stretching out before and after. It feels really good, but it’s really doing a number on my skin. My skin feels so parched, it’s getting blotchy, and my face is irritated by whatever I put on it. Out of desperation, I put olive oil on my face last night. I’m very upset by this development. Swimming is the BEST overall toning and cardio exercise for me – I don’t have to take a class, I don’t have to modify anything to ensure I’m getting the maximum benefit, et cetera. I’m gonna call the dermatologist tomorrow for an appointment during spring break so I can find out what to do for my skin. Grr.

I’ve also been making a concerted effort to cut down on Larabars and snapea crisps. I’m finding I need less food overall. Maybe my body is adjusting to this lifestyle. Hm.

Yesterday I went shopping and enjoyed seeing how much better clothes out there fit me. I got one new top that I really like and it was cheap, so if I can’t wear it in a few months, no skin off my nose.

Overall life IS good. *beam*