I’ve been reviewing my posts, because I moved this blog over from Blogger to WordPress in order to be part of a community… and that requires categories and tags.

That helped me read what I’ve written before… and I’m shocked at how much is unrecorded. Every time I changed my eating habits in one direction or another, I’ve become sick. That hit me – THAT is why I feel like I have to go all or nothing. And stay there. I cannot afford to get strep throat every time I stop or start eating well. *sigh*
It’s also been good for me to review how good I felt, what was so positive about eating right, and so forth. I now weigh 282 pounds – which is more than I weighed a year and a half ago. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. My gall bladder is starting to have wee twinges, which is a warning sign. My thighs are rubbing again. My left knee and right ankle are acting up a bit. I look HUGE in the mirror and in pictures. I’m tired all the time. I’m feeling depressed. But I can’t seem to be arsed to make the necessary changes again.

And I don’t know why. I’m frustrated by this. I’m trying to tell myself the good news is that I’m not driving much (a couple of times a week), I’m walking everywhere daily, and I’m swimming most days. At least I’m physically active. But I’m still feeling very, very discouraged.

It’s one year and two months after my last post… and I’m officially a statistic – one of those failed “dieters” who put all the weight back on plus some. *sigh* I gotta go back to raw, vegan food. :-/

Around the time of my last post, I became stressed out because it was the end of the school year (I’m a teacher) and things were going on. I also figured since I’d done so well, I could ease up a wee bit. I eased up a bit too much, but it was okay until I went on a business trip the last two weeks of June. I was on a college campus, eating in the cafeteria daily without kitchen access nor much in the way of healthful food. I was mostly good for the first week then it went downhill. Once I got home, my choices were so-so through the summer. Last fall things really went downhill. I went back to work and I gave up little by little. I slowly put weight back on, until by the spring, I was where I was before this whole thing started.

The good things: My tastes have changed to include a wider range of healthy foods. I don’t mind olives and peppers, where before I used to hate them. I’m also much more willing to have spicy foods. I’ve seen what an incredible difference eating right makes. I’ve learned sugar is toxic for me and my body isn’t fond of cheese. I’m much fussier about the food I’m having – no transfats, high-fructose corn syrup, and nothing from Safeway. I shop exclusively at Trader Joe’s, the farmer’s market and local markets, which is a huge difference. I’m not in the same pain I was in a year and a half ago, even though some things have started to come back.

The bad: I am having so so so much trouble going back to eating right. I went on another business trip the last 2 weeks of June, but this time I had kitchen access. I managed to have green smoothies and nut milk smoothies until lunch, when I scarfed on grilled cheese sandwiches. Since I got home, I’ve been walking a few miles daily and/or swimming. When I was away, I worked my way up to over 30 minutes of swimming laps, including a few laps of the butterfly stroke. My endurance has improved so much. But I just can’t seem to get back to eating better. I just want sugar, salami, cheese, pickled relish, hot dogs, and other stuff like that.

I’m very frustrated with myself. After swimming this morning, I had an epiphany: I’m thinking of eating right as an either/or issue. My mind is saying, “All or nothing,” and that may be causing me problems. However, I was much more successful when I was saying no. I didn’t even miss processed food… at least I thought I didn’t.

I’m just so frustrated. I mean, it’s one thing to not want to do it when you haven’t experienced the difference. But I have. My energy level was through the roof, I was losing weight easily, my skin was amazing, I felt so clean through and through, and I was eating delicious stuff. So why is it so hard to go back? *sigh*

For the moment, I’m focusing on exercise and keeping that up… while trying to figure out why I’m so resistant to changing other things in my life when I know what I need to do.